Unfair and unbalanced

Wow, what a difference a week or so can make.  I've worked so hard to stay positive and have positive, upbeat entries.  However, this one will be nothing of the sort.  The past few days have been some of the darkest, hardest days I've dealt with.  What is sickening is that my trouble is not from the loss of a love one or devastating news.  It simply is because of the job I've been in for the past almost 13 years.  Many of my posts reflect my woes with my job and time to time I'll have a post where I'm doing great, being positive, and things are just rolling along.  I've had some errors come back on me in the last few weeks that I've struggled with, but all the while I was thinking I had it under control.  This week I've lost that control.  You know, I've struggled with bouts of depression all my life and have managed to overcome them either with the help of antidepressants, therapy, or just prayer.  This time, however, I'm deeper than I've ever been.  Yesterday was so hard I felt physical pain.  I am having physical symtpoms to accompany that pain and anguish.  I cried so many tears yesterday and out loud.  In the back of my mind I know I'm supposed to be praying...duh, I know this.  I stop and try, but even I know my heart isn't in it like it's supposed to be.  I'm not asking the right things.  And maybe even some of my sin is in the way so God can't even hear my cries.  At this point I don't know.  I'm just thankful the girls were both gone yesterday and weren't here to see it.  It was unmaskable and I have no idea how I'd explain myself out of it.  I found myself in a dark place, not wanting to talk to anyone, deal with anyone.  It was Awana night, so I had to be there since last week I was in the hospital with Ruthie Belle and missed.  My job as a secretary is a demanding one and I'm not passing that duty to somone else just so I can sit at home and cry.  So, the girls and I went and it was hard, but I made it.  Today, I'm back where I was.  No shouting out loud this morning at least, but I've cried and I'm just sick.  My job isn't letting up.  The pressure is at its highest.  They don't want to let me take time off that I don't have PTO for even though it won't cost them a dime.  I was supposed to have a phone interview for another transcription company yesterday, but of course they didn't call.  The company is legit, so I don't know why they didn't call.  But, the way I'm feeling right now, being in the MT field may not be where I'm supposed to be period. 

Whoever said depression doesn't hurt must have never had it.  It hurts.  I wish I knew what I should do at this point other than just pray.  I know praying is enough, but I feel like I'm sinking so fast and I need prayers answered now.  It doesn't work that way, I know.  But, I feel like I'm hurting my family, my kids especially.  It's not physical, but the emotional stress is there.  They don't deserve this.  I don't even think I deserve it.  I've always been a writer and able to express myself so much better in writing than orally.  When I was a teenager I was even able to battle mild depression with writing stories.  Now I don't have the time or energy to do that.  I'm supposed to be working now, but I had to stop for at least a few minutes to at least put a few thoughts down on my blog.  The kids are gone, thank the Lord, and I know the tears will come again soon, but at least for now they are in hiding. 

I don't know what's gonna happen next.  I wish I did.  I'd love nothing more than to write my boss and say that's it, I've had enough.  You're breaking me to the point of no return, so you can just forget about me.  Consider this my notice.  After today, I'm done.  Thanks for 13 years of putting your company first and my sanity last.  I won't forget you for that. 

One can dream, right? 

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